I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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