I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
