Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
false alarm, still single
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