...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He did a backflip because drugs
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