i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize