is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Randomize