did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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