I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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