I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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