I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
