this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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