OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
