I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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