I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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