I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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