I'm jealous of your bromance
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
