matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
