did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
