I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize