I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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