im six kinds of drunk right now
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize