the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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