his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
