when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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