just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize