i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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