Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
