I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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