sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
