Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I need to sanitize my soul.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
