Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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