I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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