It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
