apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
