I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
