just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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