Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
