Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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