1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
