hotel room ftw
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
