Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
this is an emotional support booty call
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize