i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
