remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
