I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Randomize
