It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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