Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
