Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
