the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Holy sore nipples Batman
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
