i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
