gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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