If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
