Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize