do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
