one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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