my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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