I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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