She's JV to your varsity
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
