I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
