I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
